Goodbye 26…

With my birthday fast approaching I’m on the verge of some sort of meltdown slash midlife crisis.
Emotionally I’m feeling a bit all over the place at the moment. When I turned 26 I was very much in love, on the verge of moving in with the boyfriend, I’d just had a promotion at work, I felt settled. When you’re in a serious relationship I think you feel like you know which direction your life is headed in, chugging along like a lovely steam-train. Or maybe a boat. Oh even a steam-boat.
Then you break up.
And you’re completely lost.
It’s something I’ve been working on for a few months now. But I really don’t know who I want to be anymore. Relationships change you- that’s a fact. And now I can’t bloody remember who I was before!
On top of that I’ve been messed about so much this year by horrible, selfish men. I’ve never had to deal with this before! I wouldn’t say I used to be a player, but I definitely held all the cards. I was high maintenance, wild and carefree.
My ex is a very emotional ‘let’s talk about our feelings’ kinda guy, and I’d got used to that, so I’m finding it extremely difficult to deal with ‘normal’ men who, at best don’t talk about what they want from you and at worst play ridiculous mind games.
On top of this I’d also found that being honest and open worked for us. I now realise that (in my experience) most men lose interest once they realise they’ve hooked you and that they don’t need to chase you anymore. I’d met another guy who offered me the world and I’d basically said “sure, let’s do this!” He couldn’t get away fast enough!
This process repeated and I had to conclude that the only way was to clam up and be completely unemotional- frankly that didn’t work either. It felt like wearing clothes far too small for you- being unable to move freely, unable to breath deeply and generally being uncomfortable.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
And now I’ve met another guy (bear with me, there is a point to this). And he’s got me thinking… What is so wrong with being wild? He’s not the one, I’m not really interested, BUT I do think I can learn something from him. I’m not a stepmum anymore, I’m not past it, I don’t actually NEED to find a husband right now.
Fuck it. I’m supposed to be a flapper- why aren’t I behaving like one?!
26 is being written off. 27- let’s do it.
To be continued…

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